


Happy Holistic Hunting!

by s_kaye_h



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Supernatural
Genre: Crossover, Gen, maybe more characters than listed, the agency is in Bergsberg because fight me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-03-21 12:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13741005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_kaye_h/pseuds/s_kaye_h
Summary: Sam and Dean investigate a series of weird murders involving evisceration and fish. However, the murders are just the beginning, and they are not prepared for what accompanies a certain holistic detective.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few months after season 2 for Dirk Gently, and after 8x16 for Supernatural.
> 
> Dirk, Todd, and Farah all have their own rooms and live on the second floor of the detective agency.

“I think I found us a case.” Sam spun his laptop around to show Dean. They had been in the bunker for a while now, and both brothers were getting restless without a job. “This place in Montana called Bergsberg. Apparently some people were found with their guts ripped out.”

“I dunno, that doesn’t really seem like our thing. Normal people could do that,” Dean said doubtfully, ignoring his brother’s grimace as he put his feet on the table.

“Okay, how ‘bout this? Their organs weren’t just missing, they were replaced with various sea creatures. One victim, Bronwyn Dawson, was found with an eel as a large intestine.”

Dean made a face, then stood up. “Yeah, that’s our thing. C’mon Sammy, let’s go hunt a..... whatever this thing is... How far away is Bergsberg?”

“About 11 hours. But do you have any ideas on what could be doing this? I don’t want to go in completely blind.”

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically. “Whatever you say Mr. Careful. Time for research then. Yay.”

—

Hours later, Dean sat, head on his hand, flipping through pages and pages of old books about monsters. Sam sat across from him, scrolling on his laptop, books laid around him.

“Could be a kelpie, maybe?” Dean suggested, a note of desperation creeping into his voice. “They are water monsters, maybe Bergsberg has a few of those or something.” 

This whole research thing wasn’t really Dean’s, well, thing. He much preferred when someone else did the research, and he could just go kill the son of a bitch that was killing people.

“I’m not sure,” Sam replied. “Kelpies often take the form of horse, right? I don’t think a horse could be able to do this with the amount of precision. Plus, in many cultures kelpies are actually helpful spirits.”

“Well then I got nothing!” Dean slammed his book in frustration. “And neither do you, so screw it! We’ll find out what is killing people sooner or later, so let’s just go to Bergsberg, and see what happens!”

Sam let out a resigned sigh, but he had to agree with his brother. Hours of research had gone by, and all that they had gotten was more frustrated. “Fine. We can go to Bergsberg now. But don’t blame me if we are in way over our heads.”

“I would never!”

—

A long drive, a motel room, and some sleep later, the Winchesters were arriving at a fresh crime scene, clad in their typical FBI suits. As they had been arriving, there was apparently another death.

Sam went to go look at the corpse, while Dean went over to the sheriff and deputy, who were waiting nearby.

“Hello, I’m Agent O’Brien, that is my partner, Agent Morstad.”

“I’m Sheriff Hobbs!” The larger man, evidently Hobbs, said. Way too cheerfully for a crime scene, Dean thought, but whatever.

“Yo I’m Tina.” The small deputy waved and took a bite of her poptart. But despite her small stature, which was accentuated by her slouching, Tina seemed to have a lot of energy about her.

“Nice to meet you both.” Dean nodded slightly. “Have either of you two noticed anything else strange around here?” He asked. The sheriff and deputy exchanged an uneasy glance, before turning back to him.

“What kind of strange?” Asked Tina. “Like, are we talking four leaf clover strange, purple people eater strange, or somewhere in between?”

Dean blinked, momentarily taken aback at her odd scale. “Um, somewhere in between, I guess. Cold spots, people acting strange, things like that.”

Both Hobbs and Tina visibly relaxed.

“Nope! No cold spots, at least that I know of,” the sheriff stated.

“And no one acting weird! Weirder than usual, that is.” Tina grinned, and leaned forward a bit, bobbing her head.

Now Dean was definitely confused. “What do you mean, weirder than usual?”

But before either of them could answer, the group was interrupted by woman dressed simply in a tank top, jeans, and a brown leather jacket. Evidently she was known, as both Hobbs and Tina waved to her. The woman nodded as she passed, smiling slightly. When she got to Dean, however, her neutral, and intense, expression was restored.

“Who are you?” She asked, a hard edge to her words.

“Agent O’Brien, FBI.” He showed her his official, well, fake, but official-looking, badge.

“Oh.” The woman stiffened slightly, with a bit of suspicion crawling into her eyes. “Right.”

“Who are you?” Dean retorted, because he really didn’t like the way she was looking at him.

“I’m Farah Black. I’m with Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to go inspect the body.”

Before Dean could say that he actually did mind, Farah pushed past him and made her was over to the corpse, and where Sam was kneeling.

—

Sam was curious about Farah. He had been able to hear her conversation with Dean, and wanted to know more about this detective agency. Farah was crouched opposite him, using her phone to take pictures of the body, and the fish strewn around it.

“Is that allowed?” Sam asked, trying to learn more about her.

Farah just waved her hand dismissively. “Hobbs and Tina know me pretty well. Plus I need to show Dirk what the body looks like, as he couldn’t be here. So technically it is allowed as there are people allowing me to do it and- sorry, I’m rambling.” She stuffed her phone in her pocket, and stood up.

Sam stood up with her, having found all that he could about the corpse, and they both walked over to Dean.

Dean smiled at Farah, a smile that was entirely fake. “Well, if your little detective agency wants to take a break, we got this.”

Farah let out a small laugh. “Okay first, it isn’t MY detective agency. Second, if Dirk wanted me to look at the body, then I don’t think we have a choice on whether to work the case or not. And lastly, if it gets too weird for you two, or you are hopelessly confused, then call us or visit us.” With those last words she handed both of them a business card, and strode away.


	2. Chapter 2

Back in the motel, Sam and Dean discussed what they discovered.

“So the vic’s guts were just, _gone_?” Dean asked in disbelief of Sam’s statement. 

“Gone. And replaced with fish. Whatever did it must have had some sense of humor, as all of the various sea creatures resembled the organs that they replaced.”

“Damn. Gotta admit that’s some dedication. So what do you think about that Farah Black?”

Sam sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. Although, I do have a feeling that she knows more than she says.”

“Definitely,” Dean nodded. “Also, are we on the same page to be really suspicious of this Dirk Gently? I mean, she pretty much took his advice to look at something as law. And Miss Black doesn’t seem like one to trust easily.”

“Uh, yeah. So, did you find out much from the sheriff and deputy?”

Dean scoffed. “A bit. They said that they hadn’t noticed any cold spots or anyone acting weird, at least, as Tina, the deputy, said, ‘weirder than normal’. But they did give each other a look when I mentioned if they had seen anything odd. By the way, I’m like, _ninety_ percent sure that Tina is on drugs.”

“Oh, jeez. What about the sheriff? Hobbs, you said?”

“He seems pretty chill, if a little too cheerful for being at a crime scene. But what should we do about this detective agency? If they insist on working the case, things could get too weird and too messy for them, and quick.”

Sam thought about this for a moment. Dean had posed a good point, but Farah didn’t seem like one to back down easily. He could only assume that the same was to be said for the rest of the detective agency. “I think we should definitely check it out, maybe pay them a visit. I’d like to meet Dirk.”

—

The brothers walked found the address that was printed on the business card. It was a nice building; large, about two stories tall. The inside was covered in white wooden panels, and had a wall of just windows. On the far wall that they could see, a large plaque read “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency; Cases Solved With Arguable Efficiency”. 

At the front desk, a man sat with his feet on the table. He had headphones on, and his bright blue eyes were focused on his phone. As soon as Sam and Dean walked through the door, the man saw them and sat up, taking his headphones off. He put down his phone, and leaned forward a bit. “Hey, can I help you guys?”

“Yes, actually,” Dean said. “You aren’t Dirk Gently, right?”

The man laughed. “Oh god no. No, I’m Todd. Todd Brotzman. Sorry, who are you two?”

Both brothers held out their badges, registering the small look of panic that crossed Todd’s eyes. “I’m Agent O’Brien,” Dean announced. “And this is my partner, Agent Morstad.”

“Oh! You’re the ones that Farah saw at the crime scene. What do the _FBI_ want with Dirk, exactly?” The way that Todd pronounced FBI made the brothers glance at each other. Were there people who wanted Dirk for things? Was he some sort of criminal?

Sam cleared his throat. “Um, we just wanted to talk about the case that he is working. We don’t really think that this is the kind of case for you guys. It might get a bit too, you know, odd.”

Todd laughed again. “Well you evidently don’t know us then. I’ve only worked five cases with Dirk, and I already know that if there is a case we don’t work, it’s because it’s not odd enough, not too odd.”

“Can we please just talk to Dirk?” Dean wanted to get this thing over with.

A shrug from Todd. “Sure, but be ready. At times he can be a bit… _much_.” He reached over to the desk, picking up an old fashioned red telephone from where, just a second ago, Dean could have sworn there was a squeaky toy.

“Dirk? … Yeah, whatever. … No, I don’t think armadillos are from another planet. … Look, just get your ass down here, we got visitors. Oh, and bring Farah, it’s the FBI guys that she saw at the crime scene. … No, I haven’t seen Bart. … Yes, I’m sure, she’s a bit hard to miss. Is she supposed to be here? … Oh my god, Dirk. … Whatever, we’ll discuss that later, just get down here.” Todd hung up the phone, and turned back to the brothers. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t get distracted. I’ll be right back.”

With that, Todd turned and walked towards the back of the detective agency.

—

Why did it have to be the goddamn FBI? At least it wasn’t the CIA, so they probably weren’t Blackwing. And Todd and Farah technically weren’t on the FBI wanted list anymore, but that didn’t stop Todd from being uneasy. He intercepted Dirk and Farah on the stairs.

“Hey Dirk, watch out for the FBI guys. I don’t think that they are Blackwing, but we can never be too sure. Farah, did you get anything about them when you met them earlier?”

Farah nodded. “Their mannerisms. Either they are new to the FBI, or they aren’t FBI.”

“Well, let’s find out what they want from me.” Dirk continued down the stairs, striding towards the front desk.

—

Dean turned to Sam. “Is it just me, or does he seem really sketchy, just like Farah.”

“Definitely sketchy. Let’s see if Dirk fits the same pattern.” As Sam spoke, Todd returned down the stairs with Farah and a man in a shockingly purple leather jacket, who Sam supposed to be Dirk.

“Hiii. You wanted to talk to me about something?” Dirk asked.

Dean cleared his throat. “Yeah. Look, we were thinking that you might not want to work this case. You can just leave it to us, and-”

“That’s not how it...really... _works_. You see, I’m a holistic detective. Holistic refers to my convictions about the interconnectedness of all things. I don’t necessarily find a case, the case finds me. And don’t worry about the difficulty or whatnot. We’ve solved cases that had begun with less information than we have, and appeared infinitely more complicated.”

Sam and Dean looked at each other. It seems like this would be more difficult than they thought. However, before they could respond to Dirk’s onslaught of words, Farah spoke up. “Can I talk to your supervisor?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Sam handed her the card that had their “supervisor”, or Bobby, ‘s number on it.

Farah dialed the number into her phone. “Hello? ... Yes. ... Your agents are here. On a case that is already being worked. ... Farah Black. ... I’m sure you have something about me in your database. ... No. … Did you know that your agents are not regulation, according to Article 6, Clause 24 of the FBI requirements? … Yes, I’m sure. ... And if they are as new as they seem, then they shouldn’t be working a case like this, much less breaking at least three security protocols while doing so. Have a nice day.” She turned to the brothers, who looked dumbstruck. “He wants to talk to you two.” Farah went over to talk to Dirk and Todd, while Sam and Dean talked to Bobby on the phone, out of earshot.

“What the hell was that about?” Dean demanded. That was not how phone calls usually went.

Bobby’s voice came through the speaker. “It looks like someone who knows their stuff. I did some quick research on Miss Black. Turns out she was wanted by the FBI not too long ago, but that was retracted for classified reasons. Knows every basic class of martial arts. Proficient in most weapons known to man. One hundred percent able to kick your ass. What have you boys gotten yourselves into?”

“It’s this weird detective agency thing. Can you do some research on Todd Brotzman and Dirk Gently?” Sam asked.

There was a moment of silence as Bobby worked. “Todd Brotzman. Wanted during the same period of time as Farah Black. Has a sister, Amanda Brotzman, who was wanted as well and is now who knows where. And, oh, that’s weird.”

“What is it?” Sam leaned toward the phone eagerly.

“Dirk Gently’s entire file has been classified by the CIA.”

“What does he have to do with the CIA?”

“Hell if I know. But you boys better be careful, you’re getting yourselves into _something_ here.” With that, Bobby hung up the phone. Dean turned to Sam.

“Dammit.”

—

Farah walked over to Todd and Dirk. “Well, they are definitely not FBI. The question is, who are they, and why are they here?”

“Isn’t that technically two questions?”

Farah sighed. “Dirk. Stay on track.”

The detective straightened up. “Right. So. FBI men who are not really FBI men.”

Todd felt the need to join in on the conversation. “What should we do about them for now? They aren’t gonna leave us alone anytime soon.”

Farah considered this, then nodded. “Todd’s right. Let’s see what they do, how they react. But we need to refuse to drop the case, and also try not to give too much information about ourselves until we know more about them. We’ll see how they react to that. Todd, when did you say Amanda was coming?”

“She should be here today, tomorrow at the latest. She just wanted to catch up, see how we were doing. Then she heard we had a case, and got excited. But Dirk, did you say something about Bart when we were on the phone?”

Dirk cringed a bit. “Possibly. She called me randomly the other day, saying that she needed to visit. I’m not sure why, but I bet the universe has some reason.”

“Great.” Farah rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Anyway, it looks like the _agents_ are wrapping up their phone call. Let’s see if we can find out who they really are.”


	3. Chapter 3

The Winchesters stood at the front desk, just as Dirk, Todd, and Farah made their way over. 

This had already took longer than Dean had wanted it to. “Look. We get it. You want to solve an interesting case, gain some reputation. Whatever. But this is above your level, just leave it to the FBI-”

“You aren’t FBI.” Farah interrupted. “Not at all. So why don’t you tell us who you _are_ , and why you are so much better suited to this case than we are.”

Dean laughed nervously. “Of course we are FBI! Why wouldn’t-“ 

Before he could finish his sentence, he was on the ground, Farah calmly holding him in an armbar. She looked at Sam.

“Allow me to repeat my question. _Who are you_?” It was more of a demand than a question, and Sam had seen how easily Dean was taken down.

Sam cleared his throat. “Okay, um. I’m Sam, this is my brother Dean. Preferably don’t kill us. But just to be clear, we don’t know anything about you all either.”

“Well you know more than you did after that phone call. Your body language had changed, becoming more cautious, even before I threw your brother. This wouldn’t be for no reason, so you must have gained information about us during that call that you didn’t have before.” Farah stood up, letting Dean do the same.

“Look,” Todd added. “Neither of us know much about the other. So why don’t we talk, and maybe we can all work on the case together. It might be easier that way.”

“Excellent idea, Todd.” Dirk paused, quickly grabbing a squeaky toy off of the front desk. “I do however suggest not talking here. Maybe we go to the diner down the street?”

“Why?” Sam asked, confused.

“Hunch.”

“But-“

“The diner it is!” Todd clapped his hands together. “Let’s go.”

—

As they were leaving the agency, a large van pulled up, covered in graffiti and blaring music.

“Ah, shit.” Dirk muttered. Sam and Dean shared a look of confusion. Dirk turned towards them. “Just, give us a second.” He dragged Todd over to the car, leaving the brothers with Farah.

Sam cleared his throat. “Um, who is that?”

Farah shrugged. “Todd’s sister, Amanda. And her friends.”

A woman with rainbow hair had jumped out of the van, giving Dirk an attack hug. Four men followed, all looking quite menacing. Dirk appeared to be frantically explaining something, gesturing as well as he could with the rainbow-haired woman still clinging to him. Finally, another woman with black hair in a ponytail and bangs sauntered out and whistled. Instantly, the other woman and the men looked towards her. Dirk pointed to the agency, saying something, and she nodded and gave directions to her friends. They all filed into the building, and the woman, Dirk, and Todd walked back.

Farah looked at Dirk. “They aren’t gonna, um…”

Dirk shook his head. “Later.” He turned to the brothers. “This is Amanda. Amanda, this is Sam and Dean.”

She waved excitedly. “Hey! Nice to meet you both.”

“Hi.” Sam elbowed his brother, who was visibly checking Amanda out, while the others pretended not to notice.

“ _Hey._ ” Dean nodded and winked at Amanda.

She rolled her eyes. “Try me, and I’ll make a new drum kit out of your bones. Let’s go.”

—

“So what is it exactly that you two _do_?” Farah spun her straw around in her smoothie. Her, Amanda, Todd, and Dirk sat on one side of the booth and Sam and Dean sat opposite them.

“We hunt… things,” Dean said.

“What kind of things?” Amanda was very obviously interested.

“You wouldn’t believe us if we told you.”

Dirk laughed. “I’m fairly sure that anything you’ve faced, we’ve seen something either similar or weirder.”

Dean glanced at Sam, who shrugged. It couldn’t hurt to try, and prove them wrong.  
“Okay. Vampires.”

“Energy ones.”

“Body swapping.”

“Done.”

“Time travel?”

“A few times at this point.”

“Demons.”

“Of a sort.”

“Shapeshifters.”

Dirk smiled fondly. “Oh yeah.”

“Alternate dimensions.”

“Often.”

Dean, getting frustrated, hit the table. “ _God_.”

The detective considered for a moment. “I’ve met Thor.”

Todd looked at him. “I thought you were kidding about that!”

Dirk just shook his head and winked. “Nope.”

Sam decided to try. “People whose imaginations create strange realities?”

“You know, as oddly specific as that is, we have,” Dirk said incredulously. 

“Psychics?”

Dirk stiffened and gave a tight smile. “I may have run across a few.”

Dean looked to Todd and Amanda, who were clearly trying not to laugh. Even Farah was smiling. “Okay then, you name something that you don’t think we’ve experienced.”

“Alright.” Dirk smirked. “Weaponized souls.”

“What?”

Todd chimed in. “A brutal murder with scissors and a teleporting car.”

Sam laughed. “No way.”

“An underground death maze made by a time-hopping inventor?” Farah suggested.

“ _No_ , dammit.”

“Ooh!” Amanda grinned. “ _The_ one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater!”

Dean pointed at her. “Okay, _now_ you are just screwing with us.”

She howled with laughter. “No, we swear!”

Dirk sat suddenly straight up. “As fun as this was… I think we should be going.”

Sam looked around. “Did you see something?”

“Not exactly. Oh, let’s go out the back.”

Dean took the lead as they went back. He had barely stepped out when Dirk grabbed his jacket from behind and pulled him back. Dean turned, indignant. “What the hell-“ 

Something flew past where Dean was standing only a few seconds ago. They all stood in stunned silence, then Dirk calmly strode out the door, turning to where the object had flown.

“Dirk wait-” Farah started, but Todd silenced her.

“You know it’s no use.”

Dean still looked shocked. “What the _hell_?!”

Sam grabbed his arm and followed the others out the door. “Come on.”

\--

A large trident had impaled itself into the brick wall. It was a light teal, and longer than Sam was tall. It had been thrown, or launched, with enough force to be embedded in the wall so that it stuck out horizontally. Dean was still freaking out.

“What the HELL?!? Why is there a FREAKING _TRIDENT_???” He whirled around to face Dirk. “How did you know that that was going to happen?”

Dirk put his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t!” 

Sam stepped towards him. “You did, though. You pulled him back so he wouldn’t get impaled. How did you know?”

Dirk had gone paler than usual, and Todd pushed in front of him, facing the brothers. “Look, just leave him alone. He doesn't know anything. And anyways, I think we have a more pressing matter here, like the trident currently impaled in a brick wall.”

Dean huffed but finally focused on the matter at hand. He look at Farah, who was studying the wall. “What do you think, then?”

She turned toward them, ignoring Amanda, who was pushing down on the back of the trident, making it bounce up and down. “Due to the about of debris and how far the trident went into the wall, it is likely it was launched at extremely high speeds, too high for any human to generate on their own.” Farah began to pace. “The questions we have to focus on are: Who did this belong to? What are they? and What does this have to do with the murders.”

“Are you sure that this connected to the murders?” Sam asked.

“It’s always connected. _Also_ , tridents and fish are often related in many cultures.”

Dirk piped up. “How about we take the trident back to the agency to look at it more there?”

Dean looked at the detective suspiciously. “Any particular _reason_ for that?”

A shrug. “Convenience.”

Amanda stopped playing with the trident and pulled it out with one hand, and a lack of effort that made Dean worried that she actually could make a drum kit out of his insides. Well then. Okay.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, the “2009” refers to when Lucifer first got out in Supernatural.

The group had only been in the agency for a minute, ignoring the heavy metal that was blaring from the floor above, when the door slammed open.

A woman staggered in. She was wearing a tattered cape, ripped sweat pants, what looked to be a once-designer shirt, and fuzzy boots that came up to her knees. Her hair seemed to have a mind of its own, sticking out in random directions under her pink headband. She was also wielding both a katana and a battle axe, and was covered head-to-toe in blood and dirt. “‘Sup.”

Both Sam and Dean instantly raised their guns at her, but Farah and Todd jumped in front of them. 

“No no no wait!” Todd protested. “She’s a friend!”

The brothers hesitantly lowered their guns, keeping them at the ready. Dirk stepped forward, facing the woman. “Bart.”

“Dirk. Who are these two?”

“Sam and Dean. They’re working the case with us.”

Bart walked towards the Winchesters, standing uncomfortably close. She considered them both for a moment, then turned towards the others and nodded. They all visibly relaxed. Sam wondered what she had done to ease their concern, but before he could further develop his thought, Amanda’s friends from earlier came crashing downstairs. They stopped for a second when they saw Bart, but the rainbow-haired one then ran up to her and both parties engaged in an elaborate handshake.

The white-haired one, who Sam assumed was the leader, grinned. “Marzanna.”

Bart smiled back, continuing her handshake. “Incubus.”

The leader turned to Dirk. “You good, Icarus?”

Dirk blanched and swallowed, but he nodded and sat down in the middle of the floor.

Amanda suddenly sat up from her slouching on the couch. “Oh shit. Um, _Todd_?”

Her brother sat up. “Oh, yeah.” He approached Sam and Dean. “You two might want to back up. And whatever you do, don’t interfere.”

Dean looked in confusion to where Amanda’s friends, who Todd quietly informed him were called the “Rowdy Three”, were forming a circle around Dirk, who was still sitting on the floor. “What do you-”

The question died in his throat as Dirk started glowing with a blue light, which floated in tendrils up to the Rowdies faces. They continued for a few seconds, before standing up straight, leaving Dirk groaning on the floor.

The leader walked up to the brothers, who instantly tensed up. “Relax,” he said. “I’m not gonna do that to you. Icarus is different. I’m Martin, that’s Vogel, that’s Gripps, and that’s Cross.”

“I’m Sam, this is my brother Dean. Um, not to sound rude, but-”

Dean interrupted. “Who the _hell_ are you people?”

Dirk cringed, staggering upright. “Yeah, we probably owe you some explanation. Okay, so. That’s Bart.”

Bart waved. “I’m a holistic assassin. The universe tells me who I need to kill, and then I kill that person. As long as I do that, I can’t be hurt.”

Amanda walked over to the Rowdy Three. “These guys are energy vampires, kinda. Oh and that’s the Beast, she’s a forest cave girl we picked up in another dimension.”

“Right.” Dirk looked toward the desk, where his squeaky toy now sat. “Um, Mona? Wanna come out and say hi?”

There was a moment of silence where nothing happened. Then the toy, seemingly of its own accord, fell off of the desk, transforming into a woman mid fall.

“Hi.” Mona said, giving a little wave and going to stand by Dirk.

“She’s our shapeshifter,” Farah added.

Sam looked at Dean. There was no way this was happening. Shapeshifters couldn’t transform into random objects, they were just able to look like different people.

Dean cleared his throat, evidently trying to stay calm. “So what about the rest of you, huh?”

Todd stepped forward. “Well, Farah’s a badass. And Amanda and I have a nerve disease called pararibulitis.”

“You have hallucinations that feel real,” Amanda added. She looked at Dirk. “I think that’s everything?”

Sam interrupted whatever Dirk was about to say. “Hold on, Dirk, what about you?”

He smiled much too brightly. “What about me what?”

“The Rowdy Three said that you were ‘different’, or something.”

“ _Did they_ now? Well, I suppose that we are all different, right? DNA and all that.”

“But aren’t you-”

“Aren’t I what, Sam Winchester?”

Sam froze in shock. They had never told Dirk their last name. 

“How did you-” He began angrily.

Todd interrupted. “That’s not important! We have more pressing matters right now, right?” He looked to the others for confirmation. Farah and Amanda nodded eagerly. Sam and Dean shared an unspoken conversation.

“Well,” Dean said, “We’re gonna go back to the motel. Call if you need us.”

\--

“Bobby was right,” Dean groaned. “What have we gotten ourselves into?”

Sam shook his head, staring at his laptop. “No clue. We haven’t even found what was killing people. But I still think the main wild card here is Dirk. What do we actually know about him?”

Dean shrugged, spreading his hands out. “Um, he’s a ‘holistic’ detective? He’s apparently _different_. He knows our last name, and is hidden by the CIA.”

A nod. “Yeah. What do you think about the others?”

 

“I don’t trust any of them. Mona is a shapeshifter. The Rowdy Three are vampires, kinda. Those are both things we would normally hunt.”

“And then there’s Bart. I don’t even know where to start with her. But Farah, Todd, and Amanda seem fairly normal.”

“Well, what do you wanna do about them?”

Sam thought for a moment. “We’ll work the case with them, for now. But if any of them seem to be too much of a danger, then we have to do something.”

Dean nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Now I’m gonna get some sleep.”

\--

“So what do you think about Sam and Dean?” Dirk asked Bart. The two had gotten closer after a few cases, getting over the original whole “trying to kill each other” thing.

She shrugged. “Dunno. They ain’t bad people, but they ain’t all sunshine and rainbows, either. All I know is I ain’t supposed to kill ‘em. So that probably means they’re fine.”

“Sounds good.”

Martin walked over to where Dirk and Bart were standing, and Mona even turned human and joined them. “Icarus, what’s goin’ on? Me and the boys just happen to visit right when Marzanna is here. We can all feel it, right?”

Mona nodded sagely. “The question is, where do the newcomers fit in? The Winchesters?”

Martin grunted. “Yeah, I’ve heard of them. Big in the midwest. Apparently, they kill monsters and demons and shit like that. Started the apocalypse a few times. Remember the 2009?”

All of Blackwing had felt the 2009. The feeling of something happening, something being released. The Rowdy 3 had suddenly been starving for energy, despite having eaten not too long ago. Mona had suddenly switched from a wooden cabinet to her human form, terrifying the owner of the antiques shop where she lived at the time. Both Dirk and Bart had suddenly gotten violently sick and started throwing up. And they could only guess what had happened in Wendimoor.

“Something big is coming,” Mona said, looking around.

They all knew it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, hit me up on Tumblr @s-kaye-h

The brothers walked into the agency. Again, there were newcomers, but not unfamiliar ones.   
Tina and Sheriff Hobbs had joined them for the case, apparently. Tina watched Farah as she examined the trident, and Hobbs was chatting with Amanda and Todd over a cup of coffee. Dirk and Mona were looking at something on a laptop, while Bart, the Rowdy Three, and the Beast played some sort of board game on the floor.

It was almost peaceful.

Tina spotted them first, and gave a wave. Sam and Dean looked at each other, shrugged, and joined the Brotzmans and Hobbs.

“‘Sup?” Todd asked over his coffee. 

Before either of the brothers could respond, Dirk spoke up from the couch. “Um, Todd?”

Dirk had gone pale, and was looking at the front door. Somehow, a small black kitten had gotten in the agency.

“Oh shit.” Todd ran over to the door, but kept his distance from the cat.

Farah stared at Dirk. “Is that…?”

Dirk nodded frantically.

“Oh _shit_.” Amanda looked both scared and excited. “How did it get here?”

Dean stomped over to Todd. “What is going on here? If you don’t want the kitten, just move it.”

He leaned down and picked the kitten up, hearing too late the shouts from the others. 

Dirk slowly approached him. “Okay, Dean. Whatever you do, do not drop the kitten. Just slowly hand her to me, and do not toss her.”

“What happens if I do?”

“We’ll explain it. Just, hand me the kitten.”

Dean did as Dirk said, unnerved by the detective’s uncharacteristic seriousness. Dirk carefully took the kitten, holding it as if he were holding a bomb.

“This kitten, is not a kitten,” Todd began, pausing when he realized how it must sound. “Well, it is but it isn’t. She’s what is called a weaponized soul. The cat is both a cat and a shark at the same time.”

Sam shook his head. “What?”

Amanda jumped up. “Can we show them? There’s a really convenient alleyway a few doors down.”

Dirk slowly handed the kitten off to her. “Sure.”

\--

Amanda stood with the kitten on one end of the alley. Everyone else stood behind her. “Ready?”

Before waiting for an answer, she threw the kitten in the air. It traveled for a bit, then froze, the giant outline of a hammerhead shark extending from it. The shark flew down the alley, crashing into some of the walls, before winding back into the kitten, who unfroze and dropped to the ground.

Dean turned to Sam. “Well, shit.”

\--

Sam was a bit shocked. He never thought that there could be people with weirder lives that his own. And yet, here they were. He found himself walking next to Todd. “Are all of your cases like this?” he asked.

Todd just laughed. “Knowing Dirk, this is only the beginning. I’m pretty sure that it will get much weirder.” He looked at the detective who was excitedly talking to Tina. “And much darker,” Todd added quietly.

“What do you mean?” Sam matched Todd’s hushed tone.

“Look, we try not to talk about it much, in case karma, you know? But we very rarely make it through a case with no casualties. I don’t think ever, actually. Each case, you find out more about yourself, and each other.” Todd walked away, catching up with the others.

\--

“What was it that Martin called Dirk and Bart? Icarus and Marzanna?” Dean walked next to Amanda, who was still holding the kitten.

She glanced over to where Dirk was talking to Tina, and Bart was walking with the Beast. “Whatever you do, don’t bring it up to either of them. Dirk _will_ punch you in the face, and Bart might kill you. Just call everyone by the name that they introduce themselves as.”

 

“Okay, I got that, but what do the nicknames mean?”

“They’re not nicknames, exactly. It’s- Ugh. We don’t really discuss this, but I’m sure you will find out eventually.” She shook her head. “Just, don’t bring it up to any of them. If anyone besides each other call any of them by those names, they get hurt. Some particularly rude clients have found that out the hard way.”

“Even with Dirk? No offense to him, but the worst I can see him being is angrily pouring tea or some shit like that.”

Amanda laughed. “Yeah, he’s all English and whatever, but he’s surprisingly strong. Anyway, just trust me on this.”

“Alright.”

\--

The group sat around the agency in a rough circle, talking amongst each other.

Farah stood and cleared her throat, bringing everyone to attention. “So, the issue now is what we do. We have some information, but we haven’t taken any action. Any suggestions on our next move?”

“I say we try to find whatever is killing people,” Dean said.

Amanda spoke up. “How do we do that, genius? Plus, it’s never that simple.”

Dean opened his mouth to retort, but at that moment, several black vans pulled up to the agency.

Dirk went deathly white. “Oh _fuck_.” He whirled around to the others. “Blackwing.”

There was instant panic. Mona quickly turned into the squeaky toy and Dirk put her in his jacket. The Rowdy Three, Amanda, and the Beast took Tina and Hobbs upstairs. 

Todd ran over to the Winchesters. “C’mon, we’re going to the basement.”

Confused, Sam and Dean followed Dirk, Bart, and Todd into the basement. The entrance was a trapdoor hidden by one of the carpets. Farah went right behind them and closed the door.

Sam leaned over to Dirk. “Won’t whoever this is find the others on the second floor?”

Dirk shook his head. “Hopefully not. The stairs can retract upwards into the ceiling with almost no seams showing.”

He turned to Bart, and began to communicate using some sort of sign language.

“Do you know what they’re saying?” Sam whispered to Farah. 

She shook her head. “I know multiple forms of sign language, none of them match.”

The floor above their head creaked under someone’s footsteps. A relatively pleasant southern accent rang out. “Project Icarus!”

Sam looked between Todd and Farah. “Project?” He mouthed.

Todd shook his head, a warning in his eyes, and nodded towards Dirk, who had stopped signing and was shaking slightly, with Bart awkwardly patting him on the shoulder.

The voice continued. “Svlad Cjelli! Dirk Gently! We know you’re here, your friends too. You _literally_ put a sign with your name on it on the front door. It’s not geometry. Y’all can’t hide forever!” He went on, but quieter, talking to someone near him. “He could be off pretending to be a detective. But he’s nearby. We’ll come back later.”

The footsteps creaked away, taking the voice and it’s owner along with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHIT IS GOING DOWN


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late inactivity! I am working on a piece for the DGHDA Big Bang, so that had been taking up some of my writing time. I promise you guys that I am going to continue this all the way through.

“What was that?” Dean demanded, for the seventh time. Dirk had barely spoken a word to anyone since they left the basement, just muttering incoherently under his breath. Mona and Bart were sitting next to him.

Sam gestured for him to stop asking. Whatever had happened, they were surely not going to get Dirk to tell them by force. He crouched across from where Dirk was sitting. “Hey,” Sam said softly.

Amanda nodded to Todd, Farah, Tina, and Hobbs, and they slid out of the room, followed by the Beast. The rest of the Rowdy Three stayed in the room, uncharacteristically quiet. Sam continued talking to Dirk. “Can you talk about what happened?”

Dirk took a deep breath and slowly nodded. “That was Mr. Priest.”

The name itself seemed to have an impact on the others. The Rowdies snarled, Mona shivered, and even Bart grimaced.

Sam nodded. “Okay… Who is Mr. Priest?”

Dean cut in. “And what did he mean by ‘project’?”

Dirk opened his mouth to answer, but words failed him. He looked over to Martin, who joined them at the sofa.

“We were all projects in this program called Blackwing. Not the Beast, Tina and Hobbs, the Brotzmans or Farah, but the rest of us. Dirk was Icarus, Bart was Marzanna, Mona was Lamia, and the boys and I were Incubus. There were a ton more projects, but we didn’t meet them. Priest was an enforcer of sorts, if enforcers were insane sadistic bastards. He had a special contempt for Icarus, but we never found out why.”

Sam looked at Dean. This was worse than they had thought. Now the government was involved. Sam looked back at Dirk. “Okay, um, what were you projects for? What was the program?”

“They all thought we were psychic.” Dirk’s voice was hollow. “They did experiments.”

“What kind of experiments?” 

Dirk let out a dead laugh. “Well, I got taken in a bit after Bart. She was lucky, she couldn’t be hurt. Our abilities were similar enough that they assumed the same could be said for me. Well…” Dirk twisted around on the couch, pulling up the back of his shirt.

It was covered in thick scars. There were a ton thrown haphazardly around, but a few particularly large ones were in perfect lines, that looked sickly like dissection marks. Dirk turned back around, facing the gaping Winchesters. “Long story short, not fun. Are we done now?”

Dean cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah.”

Dirk gave him a cold smile, so different than anything Sam had seen from the detective before. It was a smile that made him slightly nervous, and both brothers realized at that moment that Dirk could be more dangerous than he seemed. “Lovely.”

He stood and walked out of the room, so much calmer than the shaking detective that had sat on the couch just moments before. But that man was warm, whereas this Dirk was nearly robotic. Sam and Dean glanced at each other, and everyone joined the others in the other room. The Brotzmans quickly joined the two brothers on the side.

Todd made sure to keep his voice low. “What happened in there?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. We were talking about what had happened. He seemed scared, but fairly normal. Then, I dunno, he just went weird.”

Amanda winced. “What had you just mentioned when he turned like that?”

“Um,” Dean said, “it must have been right after he mentioned experiments.”

A look of understanding crossed between Amanda and Todd.

Todd took a deep breath. “He showed you the scars, didn’t he? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you need to understand. Dirk’s mind works differently than anyone’s. Even the others remotely like him have thought processes like ours. The closest to him is Bart, and she was isolated from people for about five years before we met her. Now Dirk, he has these defenses. Whenever something is happening regarding his past, he closes off, and tries to change the subject. If he can’t, well, you saw what happens.”

Amanda piped up. “It took us a while to understand what was happening when he did that. But it made everything so much clearer when we did. What we’re trying to say is, don’t bring up his past, if you can.”

Sam grimaced. “Sorry, we didn’t know. Should we apologize to him? Or should we go for a bit? What should we do?”

“Definitely don’t talk to him about it. Just pretend nothing happened. You don’t really have to go, but if you stay, just give him some space, alright?” Amanda smiled up at them. “Try to understand.”

Sam sighed. “We should probably head back to the motel for the rest of the day. Make up some excuse for us.”

Dean pointed his finger at Amanda. “And don’t make it a stupid excuse.”

She winked at him, and the brothers left the agency.

\--

Dean had his head pressed against the table. “What in the actual hell are we dealing with here?”

Sam shrugged. “No idea. Should we call Bobby again?”

“Probably. We should see if he knows anything about Blackwing.” Dean dialed Bobby’s number, and put the phone on the table, on speaker.

Bobby’s voice came cracking through. “What did you boys do this time?”

“We’re still on the same case as before. Somehow, it’s gotten worse. We found out how the CIA is involved, and that there are people out there who have weirder cases than ours.” Sam had his face in his hand.

“Hey Bobby,” Dean interjected. “Do you think you can do some hacking and find out what you can about a program called Blackwing?”

“Sure.” There was a moment of silence from the other end. “What the hell have you two gotten yourselves into?”

“How bad is it?” Sam grabbed a notepad in case Bobby needed him to write something down.

“‘ _How bad is it_?’ Boys, you got yourselves into one of the most dangerous CIA operations. Wanna explain why?”

The brothers summarized what they had learned, and they could practically hear Bobby shaking his head through the phone. “What were the names of the projects you said you met?”

Dean thought back. “Um, Incubus, Lamia, Marzanna, and Icarus.”

“Let’s see what I can find for those.” Bobby paused as he entered the names. “Incubus. Martin, Gripps, Cross, and Jacob Vogel. Highly dangerous; often hostile. They feed on the lifeforce of others. Lamia. Mona Wilder. Highly dangerous; not hostile. Can transform into any shape for any period of time. Marzanna. Bartine Curlish. Highly dangerous; unpredictable. Invulnerable, will kill seemingly randomly. Icarus. Svlad Cjelli. Unknown, assumed weak; unpredictable. Knows things he should not, but not often. Full abilities not known.”

Sam shook his head. “Wait, did you say Svlad Cjelli?”

“Yeah. That’s what it says here. As there is no ‘Dirk Gently’ in the system, I gotta assume our detective changed his name.”

“One last question,” Dean said. “Can you see about a Mr. Priest?”

There was a silence, and when Bobby returned, his voice was hard. “Whatever you do, do not come into conflict with him. I know what you boys are capable of, and he would still beat your asses. No remorse, no morals, no sanity. My advice? Let the others deal with that one, if you can.” There was a click as Bobby hung up the phone.

Dean turned to face Sam, their expressions identical.

“Shit.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what? I’m not dead!! But seriously guys, thanks for sticking through my little break. I was writing my piece for the DGHDA Big Bang 2018, which is now posted if you wanna check it out.

Dirk sat alone in his room, staring at the wall. Why did it have to be Blackwing? Out of any case to work, the one with newcomers, suspicious newcomers, was not a great one for the CIA to be on his tail.

So what? They found out who he was. He wouldn’t have had so much of a problem with it if… actually, he didn’t know why he minded so much. It was probably just that he didn’t like talking about Blackwing. Yes, that must be it.

This case was taking longer to start than normal. Dirk wasn’t one to rush the universe, but he would _really_ appreciate something to occupy his mind. Besides horrific memories, that is. 

He flopped back on his bed, staring absently at the ceiling. For once, the detective just wanted this case to be over with.

\--

“I’m really worried about Dirk,” Todd confessed to Mona, sitting next to him in human form. “Has he gotten like this before? You know him better than I do.”

“Dirk always pushes through, no matter how bad it seems.”

“Do you have any weird feeling about this case though?”

Mona thought for a moment. “Something important will happen, but I have no idea what.”

Todd sighed. “Good enough for me.”

\--

Farah was making coffee when Sam and Dean came into the agency. They had left rather unexpectedly before, but she knew better than to ask about it, especially considering they had talked to Dirk post-Blackwing.

The detective in question was slumped on the couch, barely awake. Todd had brought him tea, but Dirk was still almost asleep. Amanda and the Rowdy 3 were off vandalizing something. Hobbs and Tina were doing whatever they usually did on Saturday mornings.

Farah was concerned about Dirk. Though it was not too unusual for him to be found almost asleep in the morning, this time was likely caused by the Blackwing visit. If she had to guess, he hardly slept due to nightmares, and hoped that no one noticed.

Farah shook her head and moved to greet Sam and Dean. She hoped that Dirk had enough energy to last him the day, and whatever it entailed.

\--

“Hey,” Farah said.

Sam and Dean nodded in response, and ventured farther into the agency. 

Dirk started at the sound of their footsteps, nearly overturning a cup of tea. “Winchesters. Hello.”

Sam looked around the agency. “Where is everyone else?”

Farah shrugged. “Amanda and her gang are out and about. Bart is probably killing someone, or with them. I don’t know about Hobbs and Tina though.”

Todd joined in, holding his coffee. “It’s Saturday morning soooo… Hobbs is either asleep or maybe watching cartoons. Tina is definitely hungover, and maybe still in someone else’s bed.”

“Oh.” Dean nodded, then tilted his head. “I didn’t take her for that type of person.”

Todd laughed. “You obviously don’t know her very well. She hits on most people. Tina’s bi, so yeah.”

Sam let out a small laugh, but looked away when Dean glared at him.

Dirk cleared his throat. “And Mona is...” he looked around, lifting a few pillows. “Somewhere.” Dirk concluded.

Sam nodded. “Right. Okay, um. Do we have any sort of plan for today?”

“That,” Dirk pointed over the couch, “is a question for Farah.”

Farah stepped forward. “I was thinking we should check the alley where we originally found the trident. This is our best bet, as we have literally _no where else_ that has our kind of strange.”

“Sounds about right,” Dean said.

\--

Sam ran his hand over the impact marks that the trident had left. Farah had stared at them for a bit, then started examining the walls around them. Sam shook his head slowly. Even for him, this was weird, and he had fought Lucifer. And Dirk did this all the time? He looked over at the detective, who was wandering back and forth through the alley. Perhaps he should try to make some small talk, and relieve the awkwardness of the previous day.

“Hey.”

Dirk whirled around to face Sam. “Oh hi!”

Sam gestured to the impaled wall. “Are all of your cases like this?”

Dirk shrugged. “Not all of them have to do with tridents, if that’s what you mean. Although, an _surprisingly_ large amount of them have to do with walls, now that I think about it. Hm, I should probably look into that. Anyway, to answer what I _assume_ you meant by your question, yes, all of the cases I take are very odd.”

Sam laughed. “Yeah, we take weird jobs as well. But not usually anything this absurd. When was your first case?”

“Oh, that must have been ages ago. Probably about when I started college. This was this whole thing about a poisoned garden, and a bit of sentient yarn. Overall, an exciting case, but not one of my best. After that, one of my professors started taking more interest in me, and I returned to the college years after to help with a case about time travel and teleportation.”

“That sounds… interesting. You went to college? I went to Stanford for a while, but then had to go back to hunting.”

Dirk nodded. “I didn’t finish either. There were some… circumstances, and I got expelled… and arrested. But _anyway_ , have you been hunting your whole life?”

“Yeah, uh, wow… Pretty much. Dean and I… Our mom was killed by a demon when I was a baby. This led our dad to hunting, so we couldn’t really escape it.” Sam stooped, confused. He barely knew Dirk, why was he telling him his life story? But there was something in the detective’s eyes, and Sam knew that Dirk definitely had it rougher than he let on, and that he would understand.

But before Dirk could respond, Farah’s voice came echoing from around the corner. “Uh, guys? I really think you should see this.”

The other four walked over to where she was standing, and stared at the far wall with her.

“Holy shit,” Dean muttered.

Todd nodded slowly. “Yeah. That is _definitely_ our kind of weird.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the cliffhanger :/  
> Also I want to start a new fic that I’ll write in addition to this one so let me know whether you want to see a Dirk Gently crossover with Buzzfeed Unsolved or a Dirk Gently High School AU first. (I’ll end up writing both)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I’m so so SO sorry about the long wait, and this is a short chapter too.  
> My anxiety has been awful, and I’ve had pretty bad writer’s block, as well as other things, but hopefully I’ll get more and longer chapters up soon.
> 
> Again, so so sorry about the wait and short content. I hope you enjoy it though!

The brick walls were plastered with neon membrane. Pink, yellow, blue; the colors splashed against the dull red of the bricks. Dean let out a low whistle and pushed against the material. It gave slightly, and changed color where he touched it. There were tears in the membrane, out from which light shone. The gashes were of varying sizes, but even the smallest was large enough to fit a person.

The largest was on the floor, and no light shone out of it, just pulsing darkness. 

Farah put her hand down near one of the rip, out of which water was gushing. “Uh guys? This is saltwater.”

Todd squinted. “I’m going to pretend that I know why that is important.”

Farah sighed and stood up, rolling her eyes. “Well considering we are on a case involving saltwater fish being found inside people’s corpses, I would _assume_ that it might be significant.”

Sam nodded along. “Farah, you’re a genius. Do you think the… whatever this is has something to do with it?”

Dirk suddenly leaned in between them. “ _If_ I may interject… what do you suppose we do about it? Do you expect us just to... _jump_ in a random magic rip in reality and hope for the best?”

Dean walked up past Dirk. “Great idea detective.”

Todd shrugged at Dirk’s spluttering. “Oh don’t give me that, Dirk. You literally described your main method of investigation.”

“...that’s fair.”

Dean looked down at the rip in question. “Should we poke something in it?”

There was a quick scramble before Farah found a wooden board. She pushed one end into the tear and wiggled it around before catching it on something. Eyes wide, Farah pulled the board back out, this time with seaweed wrapped around the end. She poked it a few times. Before sticking her hand into the hole.

“Huh. Weird.”

Sam knelt down by her side. “What is it like?”

“My hand is still dry,” Farah said, pulling the aforementioned limb out of the hole.

“Does that mean we could breathe in there?” Dirk inquired, looking over Sam’s shoulder. 

“I mean, theoretically yeah. But there is still no guarantee.”

Dean nudged his brother with his shoe. “Well then Sammy, how about you stick your moose mane in there for a few seconds to test your hypothesis?”

Sam shot Dean a dirty look before complying. He put his head and shoulders through the gash. For a beat, no one moved. Then, Sam retreated. He shook out his hair which, miraculously, was still dry.

“Well, you can breathe in there. Not completely sure how, but you can.”

Dean shook his head. “Doesn’t that defy the laws of physics or something?”

“Laws are relative. You can commit crimes if you don’t get caught. So we just have to not get caught by reality,” Dirk responded without looking away from where he was peering into the rip. “Simple.”

“Does he always say things like that?” Sam muttered to Todd.

“You have no idea. Once Farah told him off for sleeping until two in the afternoon and he just said ‘time isn’t real’ and drank an entire cup of black tea in one gulp.”

“Oh jeez.”

“Yeah well you get used to- DIRK!!”

The detective in question had quickly tied a long rope that was coiled near the edge of the alley around his ankle and started sliding into the hole. Farah quickly looped the rope around her own ankle and slid in as well, gesturing for the others to follow suit.

Todd sighed and ran after them.


End file.
